Authority for building up

He who answers before listening—
that is his folly and his shame. Proverbs 18:13

Men, God has charged us with leading our families. The biblical basis for our leadership is found in such passages as Eph. 5:25-33 and Eph. 6:4. This leadership is an awesome responsibility. We are to represent Christ to our wives and children. In 2 Cor. 13:10 we learn that biblical leadership is to have the focus of building others up and not tearing them down. Paul says in Ephesians 4:29 that our words are rotten if they don’t build others up. Each of us can think of examples of leadership that are not especially building or encouraging. Perhaps our fathers appeared to tear us down more than they built us up. Perhaps you have had a supervisor who led by intimidation. God, however, has called us to be different than that. Our leadership is to build up those under our care. We are to lead with understanding and compassion. Thankfully, God has given us specific directions in his word to help us be leaders who build others up. In this post we will look at one of these directives – not to answer without listening.

One common temptation is to think that we know exactly how to solve a problem before we even hear what the problem is. For example, you hear two of your children fussing over a favorite toy. You walk in and dispense judgment based upon previous disputes over this toy. You just assume that the cause of the upset this time is the same as the last time. Or, perhaps you believe you know the reason for your wife’s apparent discouragement as soon as you walk in the house after work. You look at your wife and you are sure you have seen that look on her face before. You believe you know what the problem is, so you tell your wife that she needs to have a better attitude and not be so easily discouraged. Thinking you have been especially observant, you are not even aware that your wife is miffed at your “encouragement.” These are two examples of answering before listening.

These two examples illustrate a severe problem. Pride leads us to think that we can solve problems by making educated guesses about the reason for problem. But Proverbs 18:13 makes the rather startling statement that answering before listening is a foolish and shameful thing. When we answer before we listen we act as though we don’t need input from others to make a wise judgment. Over time this attitude can lead to bitterness and resentment from those we lead. This is one sin whose bitter fruit may take years to mature. Little children seldom have either the ability or the opportunity to address the damage you cause by answering before listening.

“Josh, I see that you still have not learned to share your toy with Ryan.”

“But, daddy, this time I didn’t….“

Now Josh, you know that you must respect daddy and not talk back to me.”

“But, daddy.…”

“Josh, I said no back talking! It is not right before God to be disrespectful to daddy. Not another word!”

What Josh was trying to say was that Ryan was not upset with Josh about sharing the toy. Ryan was actually fussing because he rolled the toy over his finger. Even though Josh had been guilty of not sharing in the past, this time he was actually sharing with Ryan when Ryan hurt his finger.

Josh knew that if he said any more in his defense he would be disciplined, so he just went along with the Dad’s faulty assessment. Over the years Josh said less and less when Dad answered before listening. By the time Josh reached his teen years he wasn’t really interested in hearing what Dad had to say about anything. For his part, Dad wondered what happened to his relationship with Josh. Why was Josh “suddenly” distant and non-responsive? Dad is unaware that the withdrawal started years ago because Dad had become an expert at answering before listening. To be sure, Josh is not an innocent bystander; he had done much to provoke his father. But dad had lost the opportunity to find out what Josh really thought, because he answered before he listened.

This is why this sin is shameful. It can rob you of the relationships you hold most dear. Why not take some time now to examine your habitual responses to your children and to your wife? Ask your wife if you answer before you listen. It is not too late to reclaim the ground you may have lost. God is a gracious God. However, if you persist in answering before listening, you will only push away those closest to you.

• Do you build up or tear down with your words?
• Do you answer before you listen?

God can help you change. Your family needs you to be a listener who really hears them out. Think carefully about this issue.

• What are some ways you can find out if you answer before listening?

• If you have been answering before listening, how does God want you to solve the problem?

What is Sin?

The fear of the LORD leads to life:
Then one rests content, untouched by trouble. —Proverbs 19:23

USA Today, on March 19^th, reported on the state of sin in America. In an article titled “Has the notion of sin been lost?” the Nations’ Newspaper explores what people think about sin. The article highlights a study done by Ellison Research about sin. For purposes of the study, sin is defined as “something that is almost always considered wrong, particularly from a religious or moral perspective." We will examine this definition in a moment. First, here are some acts that Americans classify as sin. Next to each “sin” is the percentage of those surveyed who agreed that the action really is sin.

WHAT AMERICANS CALL SIN
• Adultery: 81%

• Racism: 74%

• Using "hard" drugs, such as cocaine, LSD: 65%

• Not saying anything if a cashier gives you too much change: 63%

• Having an abortion: 56%

• Homosexual activity or sex: 52%

• Not reporting some income on your tax returns: 52%

• Reading or watching pornography: 50%

• Gossip: 47%

• Swearing: 46%

• Sex before marriage: 45%

• Homosexual thoughts: 44%

• Sexual thoughts about someone you are not married to: 43%

• Doing things as a consumer that harm the environment: 41%

• Smoking marijuana: 41%

• Getting drunk: 41%

• Gambling: 30%

• Not attending church or religious services regularly: 18%

• Drinking any alcohol: 14%

Taken as a whole it is striking to see “sin” discussed in terms of human qualification. There appears to be no awareness of God and his holiness in this list of sins. Apparently, the fear of God is not relevant to sin.

Why is this important? It is important because this article reflects our culture; it highlights for us the influence of the enemy on our world. Consider the definition of sin used in this article: something that is almost always considered wrong, particularly from a religious or moral perspective. Considered wrong by whom? This definition reveals deference to man rather than reverence for God. God does not give us categories like “almost always wrong.” The Bible does not define sin by taking opinion polls. On the contrary, the Bible gives us unequivocal, explicit statements about the way things are. For example, our proverb this week says that the fear of God leads to life and contentment. What simple, clear wisdom! Our culture craves contentment with an oxymoronic passion.

Men, your wives and children are active participants in a culture that understands sin as described above! How will you define sin for them? How will you help them recognize sin when they see it?

After studying the Scriptures, particularly Romans 1:18-25, Tim Keller describes sin this way: “Sin is building your life and meaning on anything, even a very good thing, more than on God.” This definition includes breaking God’s law, but it also provides us with the opportunity to show how pervasive and deceptive sin is to those who have no concept of biblical morality or authority.

Men, we have the charge from God to teach and protect our families in this culture . Sin is wrong because God says it is. Building one’s life on anything other than the fear of our awesome God will lead to destruction (Matthew 7:24-27).

This week give specific thought as to how you are preparing your family to deal with a culture that defines sin as “acts that are almost always wrong.” This attitude leads to 55% of the culture believing that sex before marriage is not a sin.

• How will you prepare your children to address this issue (and many more)?
• How is the fear of God influencing the things you do every day?
• What are some specific ways the fear of God leads to contentment?

Criticism – Something to Value

11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,

12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in. Proverbs 3:11-12

Criticism would make few top 10 lists of favorite gifts. While the Proverbs don’t use the term criticism, there are many passages that talk about receiving a rebuke. Almost surprisingly, the Proverbs teach that receiving a rebuke is often a good thing. Chapter 9 goes so far as to say that a wise man will love you if you rebuke him (9:8). Since the Garden, our natural tendency is to avoid blame and shift responsibility to others when our actions are challenged. It is easy to think we have been unfairly assessed. Yet if we do not welcome rebuke (criticism), we are not acting wisely.

Leadership is about building people up (2 Cor. 13:10b). To be an effective leader, one must understand that he himself needs to be built up as well. If we are honest before God, we must acknowledge that the person we see in the mirror has many flaws and weaknesses that make it difficult for others to follow our direction. In fact, it is truly amazing that anyone would want to follow our direction! This is a why a wise man loves a rebuke. He knows he needs help. He also knows that God is committed to providing this help. That is the point of this week’s passage (Proverbs 3:11-12). If we bristle at the rebuke of others we will also bristle at the rebuke of God.

God rebukes us because he loves us—because he delights in us. This is contrary to what seems natural. Too often we discipline out of frustration and exasperation. (For example, have you ever said, “How many times have I told you not to do that?”) There is an inner weariness that accompanies direction given in frustration rather than delight. God, on the other hand, delights to discipline us because he knows that we need correction and he is committed to helping you and me become more complete in Christ.

If we reject God’s rebuke we are, in fact, implying that we don’t need a rebuke; we are fine the way we are. I can hear someone saying, “But I wouldn’t resist a rebuke from God, but my wife—that’s a different story.” This is where wisdom comes in. The wise man knows that God, who is in control of all things—even a wife’s speech—is committed to bringing about godly change in your life. A wise man knows he is far from perfect. Therefore, he is eagerly looking for the ways that God will show him where he needs to change. Thus, the wise man loves a rebuke, especially from his wife, because he knows he needs to hear it. Even if a rebuke is not given in the kindest way, the wise man still learns from it. He knows that his heavenly Father is delighting in him when he receives a rebuke. He knows that this rebuke is a sign that he is God’s son.

Brothers, how do you respond to a rebuke? How do you give a rebuke?

Here are some questions to help you think about how you can grow in wisdom

· to love a rebuke and

· to give direction from an attitude of delight.

How do you typically respond to criticism or rebuke? Be honest and specific with your answers.

· Do you defend your behavior and explain it away?

· Do you counter-attack?

· Do you clam up? Do you merely say, “I’ll think about it”?

· Do you agree in a way that is designed to get past the critique as quickly as possible?

· Do you try to understand the ways in which the criticism is accurate?

· Do you humbly ask others for insight and feedback?

When you correct your children or subordinates, do they sense that your correction is given because you delight in them and want to help them grow wise—or because you are frustrated with them?

Think about these things. Bring your thoughts to your group this week. Better still, bring these thoughts before God and ask him to make you a wise man who loves a rebuke.

Leadership & Criticism

Like a coating of glaze over earthenware
are fervent lips with an evil heart. Proverbs 6:23

A lying tongue hates those it hurts,
and a flattering mouth works ruin. Proverbs 6:28

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth;
someone else, and not your own lips. Proverbs 27:2

Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27:6

The section of Proverbs from 6:23-27:6 has some profound things to say about effective leadership. One theme of this passage is to warn against living for the praise of others.

The wise man is motivated by the fear of God and the pursuit of wisdom (Proverbs 1;7; 3:11-18). When we are motivated by the praise of others we lose the ability to be biblically objective. We lose our ability to be effective leaders. If a husband is focused on receiving praise he will be angry or disappointed when he receives criticism. If his wife does not praise him he may become discouraged and even angry because he believes he is not being appreciated. Here is the warning: if you live for praise your leadership will not be productive. Let’s see how these four verses illustrate this.

Like a coating of glaze over earthenware
are fervent lips with an evil heart. (Proverbs 6:23)

The glaze over a piece of earthenware may conceal some inward flaws. This analogy shows that fervent lips (smooth lips) conceal an evil heart. Don’t trust smooth sounding praises; they often cover an evil intent.

A lying tongue hates those it hurts,
and a flattering mouth works ruin. (Proverbs 6:28)

In this proverb flattery is likened to a lying tongue. Don’t trust flattery. Flattery brings disaster upon those who listen to it as well upon the flatterer.

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth;
someone else, and not your own lips. (Proverbs 27:2)

This proverb instructs the wise man to not seek praise from those close to him. Both Bruce Waltke and Tremper Longman in their respective commentaries on Proverbs translate this verse this way:

Let a stranger and not your own mouth praise you, an outsider and not your own lips.

Godly leaders should not be looking for praise from those they serve. It is too easy for us to drop hints that we would really like some appreciation for our efforts. Something like, “Well dear, it took me all day and I had to give up what I really wanted to do, but I just wanted to do this for you anyway.” The use of the word stranger indicates that if a man really is focused on honoring God, even a stranger will hear of his wisdom and bring praise when it is least expected. There is no need to prompt others to herald our praises.

• You shouldn’t trust the lying tongue of flattery, but you should “let another praise you and not your own mouth.” How do you distinguish between flattery and legitimate praise?

Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Proverbs 27:6)

This last proverb sums it up for us. Although we can’t trust the flattery and praise of others, we should trust the hard things we hear. For example, one of the ways wives can help their husbands most effectively is to tell them the difficult things they need to hear—the wounds from a friend. If a husband is looking for praise he will not welcome his wife’s criticism. But constructive criticism (even when it hurts) that comes from our wives and children is to be welcomed. Why? Because a man who is motivated by the fear of the Lord and the pursuit of wisdom will rejoice at information that will make him a better husband and father.

So there is no need to fear the criticism of others. Because the wise man is dominated by his love of God and wisdom he takes every opportunity to grow in these areas. How valuable are the wounds of a friend to you? Such wounds are gifts from God.

• Do you have friends who give you “faithful wounds”? How do you respond when a friend who gives you such a wound? Does your reaction discourage them from doing it again?
• Are you a friend who is willing to give loving wounds? If not, what holds you back? Is there someone you know right now who needs your constructive criticism? What are you going to do about it?

A Wise Man has Great Power

A wise man has great power,
and a man of knowledge increases strength;
for waging war you need guidance,
and for victory many advisers. —Proverbs 24:5-6

Great power. You have great power?

Often, life does not “feel like” we have great power. Men are often burdened by the responsibilities of leadership in the home. How can I be a better husband? How can I help my kids when they struggle? How can I lead my family to trust God more each day? Instead of great power it may seem that we have no power.

This passage in Proverbs teaches that wisdom and knowledge produce power and strength. How does that happen? The second part of the couplet above provides the answer. Victory is achieved through the guidance of many advisors. But not just any advisor will do here. Power comes from trusting the wise counsel of those who themselves are trusting God.

One of the special things about our men’s ministry is the opportunity each week to seek power from the counsel of many advisors. The time we have spent together so far should be yielding benefits—the experience of the power of godly wisdom in your life. As you prepare for your meeting this week, think about how you can tap into the wisdom of the many advisors God has provided for you. As you do, why not post a comment on how God is blessing you in this way?